NEW FICTION: The Most Interested Man in the World

I dabbled in script/screenplay writing for this BONED entry. It’s a playful take on the Dos Equis commercials that can’t have escaped your notice. Hope you enjoy this whimsical little gag. – n.

THE MOST INTERESTED MAN IN THE WORLD

A SATIRICAL SKETCH IN 3 PARTS

BY NATE RAGOLIA

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CC0 Public Domain via Pixabay

[#1]

A gray bearded man, dressed in a fitted suit sits in the booth seat of a two-top drinking a beer in a green bottle speaks directly to the camera

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

Oh, I don’t normally drink beer… [beat] But enough about me. Tell me about you.

HARD CUT

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

Blue, really? What shade of blue would you say is your favorite?

HARD CUT

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

And you say that you work as chick sexor? What IS that like?

HARD CUT

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

Stephanie? What’s the origin of that name? Will you spell it?

HARD CUT – Camera pulls back to show a woman sitting across him at the table

STEPHANIE:

[Looking at a text on her phone] Oh, gosh, that was the babysitter. I really have to go.

STEPHANIE gets up hurriedly and leaves, walking past the camera that still frames THE MOST INTERESTED MAN

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

[calling to Stephanie who is already gone] Babies? What are their names and ages!?

MOST INTERESTING MAN TURNS TO HIS RIGHT – CAMERA PANS – TO SPEAK TO AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN AT THE BOOTH SEAT/TWO TOP NEXT TO HIM

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

That meal looks delicious. What are the ingredients in that dish?

CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY and SLOW FADES TO BLACK

VOICE OVER:

He’s a better listener than Gene Hackman in THE CONVERSATION

When his grandchildren want to talk to him at family functions he turns his hearing aid up.

He’s the MOST INTERESTED MAN IN THE WORLD.


[#2]

A gray bearded man, dressed in a fitted suit sits in the booth seat of a two-top drinking a beer in a green bottle speaks directly to the camera

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

A fourth floor walk up? How did you get your furniture in there?

HARD CUT

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

Pullies?

HARD CUT

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

Ramps like they used to construct the ancient pyramids?

HARD CUT

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

A burly team of men with a truck? How much did you pay?

HARD CUT – Camera pulls back to show a Man in a bear suit sitting across him at the table.

MAN IN BEAR SUIT:

Roars loudly and angrily… non-language

MAN IN BEAR SUIT flips the table and stomps off past the camera, claws flailing – shot still frames THE MOST INTERESTED MAN

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

[calling to MAN IN BEAR SUIT who is already gone] What language is that? Dutch?

MOST INTERESTING MAN TURNS TO HIS RIGHT – CAMERA PANS – TO SPEAK TO AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN AT THE BOOTH SEAT/TWO TOP NEXT TO HIM

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

Are you reading a newspaper? Do you read the newspaper every day?

CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY and SLOW FADES TO BLACK

VOICE OVER:

He loves hearing about your day more than your own mother.

When people quote movies at parties he asks them to act out their favorite scenes.

He’s the MOST INTERESTED MAN IN THE WORLD.


[#3]

A gray bearded man, dressed in a fitted suit sits in the booth seat of a two-top drinking a beer in a green bottle speaks directly to the camera

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

Did you purchase that beautiful shirt from a department store? Macys? Sears? JC Penneys? Boscovs? Dillards?

HARD CUT

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

A shrimp allergy? Would you say you swell to this big [motions with hands]? This Big? THIS BIG?

HARD CUT

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

Oh, your mother sounds lovely. What is her favorite flower? Chrysanthemums?

HARD CUT – Camera pulls back to show a HEALTH CLASS SKELETON wearing a hawaiian shirt sitting across him at the table. THE RESTAURANT IS COBWEBBED AND CLEARLY ABANDONED LONG AGO

SKELETON:

Creaking noise and then its head falls off

Shot still frames THE MOST INTERESTED MAN

MOST INTERESTED MAN:

[still speaking to SKELETON] You look so slender. Do you have a personal trainer?

MOST INTERESTING MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING THE SKELETON QUIETLY AS CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY and SLOW FADES TO BLACK

VOICE OVER:

He’s done four-hour interviews with each animatronic robot in Epcot’s HALL OF PRESIDENTS.

When Jehovah’s Witnesses come to his door invites them inside for tea.

He’s the MOST INTERESTED MAN IN THE WORLD.

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